I know, I know. It’s been a year since I’ve posted anything. Yes, we are alive and kickin still! Chuggin along slowly doing this homestead thing. Long story short, it was one hell of a year but by His Grace, we made it! Remember how things were beginning to spiral last year… well it all finally peaked (I hope!) and began to mend. To sum it all up: solo building a house causes a lot of stress, off grid causes more stress, raising children causes stress, extended family causes stress, life in general is crazy stressful, my anxiety hit all time highs, found out I had a heart issue (literally and spiritually), the family was in a spiral and basically just tried to survive until we (I) could get on top of things. Literally survive some days. Any and every crack in our familial relationships has been brought to light over the last year particularly. But sometimes, God has to tear us down to the core before He can build us back up stronger. That has become my over-riding lesson from this last year.
My heart, while difficult to finally get diagnosed, was mostly an easy fix with a cardiac ablation – basically they burned the nerves that were making it act stupid. And by stupid I mean like random out of sync beats but the most fun part (/sarc) was the marathon heart racing episodes. Who hoo for cardio while laying in the bed being perfectly still! #miracleweightlossplan Unfortunate side effect… being exhausted. All. The. Time. That was mostly fixed in January, another month to recuperate and the last couple trying to get some sort of order back to this crazy life of ours. My resting heart rate is still around 100 (“average” is 70-90) but with conditioning (aka excersize) my cardiologist hopes we can get it down a bit more before resorting to life-long meds (that ironically also are given for anxiety!).
The anxiety is manageable most days. Some days better, some worse. It was a strange new development for me since I’d never experienced anxiety like that before, let alone panic attacks. Still working on finding and fixing the root causes and reasons for its sudden and unexpected arrival. Some of it was adrenal related, although not to the clinical alopathic failure stages thankfully! Some of it is deeper. I’ve heard people say you spend your 20’s learning from your teen years and your 30’s healing from all of it. I can see that. What start as little seeds that don’t seem to matter, years later can turn into giant oaks that cause cracks and shifts earth. Throwing more dirt on those seeds don’t stop them from sprouting later, it just delays the inevitable. Note to my children: deal with hurts and issues as they arise, it’ll be better for you later.
The house and homestead… well, it is what it is. It’s nowhere near where we thought it would be by now. Accepting that God gave us this land, the building and the vision is about way more than just the physical. It is a process, a journey, that God has brought us to – and will bring us through. Each step, each month, has been filled with lessons. Yet He is so faithful, so patient with us! I’ll post a video update soon – promise!
As difficult as it has been, the family is being blessed through all of this growth, even when we struggle to see it. Everyone has stepped up in so many ways it truly blesses my heart. Let’s be honest, when mama is down things just don’t go how they should. But they have done so well stepping up and stepping in when needed, not complaining (ahem, often) but understanding.
Whats crazy is how much I have missed regularly writing! I couldn’t hardly form coherent sentences most of the time through the brain fog, forget being able to have a couple of quiet hours where I wasn’t sleeping (12 hour sleeps kills child-free time!), but I would start a post just to get the immediate thoughts out knowing at some point I would be able to finish them. I will be back slowly, a post a week is the goal. Maybe a 7 Quick Takes, a ‘What’s going on around the homestead’, maybe a link up. Let’s be honest, a FB post or pic on Instagram is more my ability span at this point since our life (and my brain) is still a bit chaotic and I am still trying to get things in some sort of workable order. But this blog, my perspective changer, our life and history, its like my therapy. And hopefully I can get some of those old posts finished up and published. 😉
Missed you all! Love and God Bless <3